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Singles Chat Live Talk Discussion
Harlan's Single Talkshop chat room "Talk It Out Therapy" is open 24/7. Use as needed. No appointment necessary, No waiting, No cost.
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| Aargghh!!! The "Using" never stops ... |
| My stbx who has a house 90 mins drive away wanted to just drop in and use my house for the night as a hotel stop as she didn't feel like the drive home when she had an appointment near my house!!! I said no and that she had to stay at a motel but I would pay. The emotional disconnect and thinking she just can still use me as a convenient meeter of her needs. I'm proud to say I didn't spin out. But I am still outraged that she thinks she can destroy our marriage, take no responsibility for all the problems she creates, leave when I set boundaries. And then ... Then ... This sort of thing. These borderline and narcassistic PD people have to be experienced to be believed. For a moment I thought my daughter and I were going to have to flee our own home for the night!!! Arrrghhh! Arrrrghh!!! Arrrrgghhh! Thanks guys that feels better :) |
| By : Phil/Underhill : Male |
| Date/time : 04/11/09 11:54:31 |
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1 |
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NewlyLost |
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Male |
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Very interesting. I have never known anything about any element of psychology, but my awareness is growing. I need to. I see behaviors in my stbx similar to what you are describing. I'm already convinced shes not right somehow, but I imagine I'm not either. Do you have any advice on a quick intro to the subject of PD or what have you? By the way, I think you handled that very very well. Offering to pay for the motel disarmed any potential sense of unfairness she might have felt, yet sent a clear message that she is not welcome in the house or near your family. There is no wiggle room for her to come back. Very good. My stbx has already talked about remaining friends and coming over to watch some of our favorite shows together, as friends. In the last week I've realized how really bad that would be. I just hope I can think on my feet as well as you have as other things arise. Maybe not think on my feet as much as just be firm about no allowance for any ongoing relationship. It's done. Thank you for the concrete example. |
| Date/Time |
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05/11/09 09:37:47 |
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2 |
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Phil/Underhill |
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Male |
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... Thanks ... And get this the next day she texts me from her home to call her to help fix her Internet connection that's stopped working ... Argh again!!!!! |
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07/11/09 07:02:51 |
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3 |
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Farmer Bear |
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Male |
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I guess I don't get what the big deal is here. Isn't it possible to be friends with someone you were once extremely close to? My ex and I and the children still take vacations together. We go to church together on Sundays and often go to movies together. I can always count on her help if I need anything and she can count on my help. She has been with someone else since before she and I were divorced but we have always remained friends. We take each other to dinner on birthdays and send each other flowers on Valentine's Day. I'm happy to feed their dog and other pets when they're out of town. Sure, things didn't work out the way I wanted them to, but how much of life does that describe? I just think the more friends we can have in life, the better. It also means that we don't have to have separate birthday parties and holidays. I truly believe that children are better off emotionally when their parents can remain friends. I know that there are circumstances such as abuse (to name only one) where none of this could be possible, but I happen to think dealing with an ex is just one more opportunity to be the best person we can be. I wish you a peaceful future. |
| Date/Time |
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08/11/09 22:22:38 |
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4 |
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Phil/Underhill |
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Male |
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Hi Farmer Bear, thanks for your comments they are interesting and I am grateful to receive them. All our situations are different of course. Unfortunately it took me 5 years to work out I was in such a severely emotionally abusive relationship. It was when I started to research emotional abuse that the term BPD (came up everywhere I turned). This a now official psychiatric disorder. People with BPD slip under the radar of the world until they are in close personal relationships, and then the bizarre injurous manipulative behaviour starts to emerge. They have a mental illness where there can not be compromise, they see no shades of gray. Usually they only end up marrying people carrying the childhood conditions created by having a parent who is an alcoholic. We want to achieve peace at any price and think that if we just try harder they will stop the unpredictable and hurtful behaviour and love us. To find oneself married to someone with mental illness is one of the greatest nightmares imaginable. So those of you more fortunate not to be in that situation will have to excuse us for "screaming" |
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09/11/09 05:28:29 |
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5 |
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Underhill |
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Male |
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Farmer Bear, the other point you seem to have missed is STBX= soon to be ex.. That means some of us are in the early and painful months of marriage separation when the pain is most acute. |
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09/11/09 13:17:10 |
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6 |
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meri |
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Female |
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My STBX also thinks he can be my friend now too. Our break up was not a total surprise to me. I knew something was amuck, however, when I would approach the subject I got the big freeze, or the patronizing...nothing is wrong, everything is okay. I recently read, somewhere on this site, the dumper wants to relieve their guilt by wanting to remain friends. I was used, ignored, lied to, ditched on several occasions, not mentioned taken advantage of financially. That is not my idea of a 'FRIEND'. Not to sound bitter (well, maybe a little).This is my second divorce. My first of 31 years, and we are friends. However, what we split we had built together and he was very caring and fair. Not to mention the father of my only daughter. Anyway, D-day is December 23 and I hope the finality will set me free. |
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12/11/09 21:03:00 |
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7 |
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Farmer Bear |
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Male |
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It's true, the newness of a separation/betrayal would probably have an impact on how things can work out. It would also make a difference to me as to whether we had children together. In the year we were divorced, the divorce was final in July and in August we took a trip to Disneyland. It was a road trip and the first day or so it was rough in terms of how I felt and the conversations we could have. But, after the first couple of days it was OK and we really had a good time. Honestly, when I think of the trips we've had together as a family since that time I sometimes can't remember if we were married at the time or not. The memories are good ones and we made them with the kids. It isn't easy but once the bridge is crossed it's no longer hard. I just think I'm lucky to have had a second chance at parenthood and being a spouse, etc. I'm retired so I can spend a lot of quality time with my children (7 and 10) and my life is pretty full. The timing of it all is such that I'll likely never meet anyone to "grow old" with because I don't have time for a relationship right now. The parents of children in my children's classes are in many cases young enough to be my children. My best friends (those with whom I have the most in common) are all young and, while I have some close women friends who are single parents, I'd have to be pretty wild-eyed (and so would they) to even consider a dating relationship. Life is pretty amazing and it usually turns out wildly different from the way we think it will. I just wish you and all others who are similarly situated the best for the future. I've been through it and it really only gets better. |
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14/11/09 21:19:51 |
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8 |
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Carla |
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Female |
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In my case, I was used, manipulated, lied to repeatedly about many things, and cheated on. My stbx also wanted to be friends. Why would I want a friend like that? |
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26/02/10 08:40:52 |
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9 |
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Male |
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| Date/Time |
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05/06/10 20:54:24 |
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